


Undeserving

by Curupia



Series: Broken Arrow - Alec Lightwood: A Study in Agony [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, But he doesn't think so, Established Relationship, Good Boyfriend Magnus Bane, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Insecurity, Introverts, Low Self-Esteem, Low Self-Worth, M/M, introspective, kinda sad, the least angsty of all of these
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-15 00:50:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11794998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curupia/pseuds/Curupia
Summary: Magnus keeps telling him to ask for what he wants. But that's the problem: he assumes that Alec knows how. How to ask. How to want. He's never been allowed before and now that he is, he doesn't even begin to know where to start.What if what he wants isn't right? He doesn't want to risk it. Doesn't want Magnus to laugh at him or be mad or bored or - he knows he's the lucky one here, okay? He just doesn't want to do anything to mess it up. He's happy with whatever Magnus wants to do, whatever he's willing to give because Alec never imagined he could even have a moment of this gorgeous, intelligent, powerful, sexy man's time, and now he's Alec's to call his own and, honestly, he just doesn't know what to do with that.He just knows he can't mess it up.





	Undeserving

**Author's Note:**

> More sad Alec Lightwood for your pain and enjoyment. Honestly, I just want them to be happy again. If the break up last through the hiatus, I'm probably going to die, and also write 32058724058923 fics to make all of you die as well. 
> 
> You've been warned.

Magnus keeps telling him to ask for what he wants. But that's the problem: he assumes that Alec knows how. How to ask. How to  _want._ He's never been allowed before and now that he is, he doesn't even begin to know where to start. 

What if what he wants isn't right? He doesn't want to risk it. Doesn't want Magnus to laugh at him or be mad or bored or - he knows he's the lucky one here, okay? He just doesn't want to do anything to fuck it up. He's happy with whatever Magnus wants to do, whatever he's willing to give because Alec never imagined he could even have a moment of this gorgeous, intelligent, powerful, sexy man's time, and now he's Alec's to call his own and, honestly, he just doesn't know what to do with that.

He just knows he can't fuck it up. 

So they go out to bars and clubs because that's what Magnus likes, that's where he's in his element, perfect and graceful and so... full of life. The beauty of it is almost painful for Alec to watch, but he never wants to look away. He loves seeing Magnus like this. He hates the crowds and the noise and that hung over feeling he gets afterwards - despite only having one drink - just from everything being  _too much_. He hates the way it makes him feel ugly and inadequate, seeing all of the beautiful, energetic people there, all of the people who would match Magnus so much better than him. None of them are ever anywhere near Magnus's league, but they were a hell of a lot closer than Alec, and he knows it. He hates himself for the gnawing discomfort in his gut every time Magnus recognizes someone or another body dances too close, stands too close, offers to buy him a drink. He hates almost all of it. But he loves seeing Magnus like this. He loves the carefree smile and the liquid movements, the way Magnus intentionally presses close, even though there's plenty of space, the way his eyes sparkle and how he can feel Magnus's hot breath in his ear every time he speaks. 

So he drinks whatever drink Magnus gives him without complaint and puts the rest of it behind him. He's trained for this. Not  _this_ exactly, but for putting up with discomfort, for not letting it show, for putting on a mask. And he doesn't have to pretend the  _whole_ time. The smiles are real when Magnus's grabs ahold of his hand and pulls him close - he hates dancing, he's been told he's not awful at it, but he's always hated the act, but with Magnus... it's not like dancing. It's being held and being able to hold, being touched and being able to touch, breathing in each other's breath, hot and hurried. He hates that there are other people around, that others get to see the smiles that are only for Magnus, but he loves that Magnus can coax those smiles out of him, in spite of the unwanted company. 

And they portal to other countries, to exotic places, to expensive restaurants. Magnus takes him to places that take Alec's breath away, that make him stop and stare in awe. That make him feel tiny and insignificant and oh so inadequate. Magnus belongs in these places. He's as beautiful and awe inspiring as the views, as rich and delicious as the cuisine, as exquisite and precious as the artwork. Alec doesn't belong there. He is not beautiful or precious, he's clumsy and awkward and monochromatic. He feels like an imposter amongst all the pretty things and he waits for the day when Magnus figures it out - figures out that Alec doesn't deserve these nice things, doesn't deserve Magnus's doting and gifts, doesn't deserve  _Magnus_ _._ He doesn't want Magnus to leave him, but he knows that it's an inevitability, he knows he stealing time, that he's somehow tricked Magnus into giving him a moment, a moment he doesn't deserve but is too selfish not to take and cherish and hold onto for as long as he possibly can. So he tries, tries not to embarrass Magnus when they're out, thanks his antiquated shadowhunter etiquette training that doesn't fail him at the fancy restaurants and expensive shows. He tries not to look like he doesn't fit in, tries not to let it show. He focuses on Magnus, how perfect he fits into everywhere they go, how beautiful he looks against the backdrop of Tokyo and Paris. He thinks that he himself would only fit in at that diner a few blocks from Magnus's loft in Brooklyn. He actually likes that diner. He likes the expensive places too, but not because of the place, but because of how happy Magnus is when he takes Alec to them. He just wants Magnus to be happy.

Alec might not know how to make himself happy, but he's good at doing it for other people. He's had practice. Years and years of reading his loved ones, noticing the small things, the things he does that make them frown, that disappoint, that don't impress. He's learned to put on masks, a different one for each of them. The perfect reflection of what they're looking for Alec to be. He hasn't quite perfected his mask for Magnus yet though. He keeps thinking he's got it right, but the man keeps changing things up and Alec has to start all over again. He searches for the hint of frown lines when he can't stop his visceral reaction to a disgusting drink, the slightly downturned corners of lips when he takes too long to answer a question, the crease of eyebrows when he laughs too loud before he can help it, before he can check himself. But he never finds them. Magnus is good at hiding it.

There's a small voice in the back of his mind that says maybe Magnus _isn't_ hiding anything. Maybe he doesn't care if Alec laughs too loud or hates the taste of vodka or takes his time to think out his answers before speaking. That voice is getting louder with every passing day, but it's hard to listen. Especially when he goes back to the Institute - it stopped being _home_ years ago - and he sees them all, all the frowns and rolled eyes and exasperation at his mistakes, his "quirks," as Magnus calls them. Like they're nothing. Like they're something cute and not annoying. He can almost believe it when Magnus says it, but he knows better. He never wanted Magnus to see those things. It's just - it's hard to hide with Magnus. He tries, _Angel_ he tries, but sometimes he forgets, more and more often he's forgetting. 

And Magnus, he notices things. More than Alec is used to from his parents, from his siblings. He's always thought he was good at hiding, but maybe he just never had anyone look hard enough. 

It's hard to explain when Magnus eventually asks. He doesn't want Magnus's apologies, the last thing he ever wanted was to make the man feel like he'd done something wrong. It wasn't Magnus, it was Alec. It was  _his_  fault for not hiding it better, not learning to like those things. He was trying, he was, but it just wasn't working. He should have been trying  _harder_. 

He won't let Magnus apologize. Tries to explain in clumsy words and stilted sentences that it's not that he doesn't  _like_ going out, it's just, _a lot_. It takes a lot of energy for him that it doesn't ever seem to cost Magnus or Izzy or Jace. But it's worth it, he tells Magnus so. Tells him he loves seeing him happy, it's worth the extra effort because it makes Magnus more happy than it makes Alec unhappy. It's the same with the expensive restaurants and the portaling, he enjoys it, he enjoys anything that Magnus is a part of, it's just a  _lot._ And he doesn't deserve it. Magnus shouldn't be wasting it on him. 

He doesn't think he explains it right. He usually doesn't. He doesn't understand how he can be so articulate when it comes to shadowhunting and giving orders or speeches, but so tongue tied when it comes to explaining what he's feeling. Maybe it's because he's never had to before. No one's ever asked. But Magnus. Magnus asks, and he waits, and he lets Alec get it all out, fills in the gaps when Alec's words get stuck, accepts the silence when Alec has to unscramble the words in his head before he speaks. 

He doesn't think he explained it right, but somehow Magnus understood.

The outings don't stop, but they become less frequent, the times in between filled with snuggling on the balcony and late-night diner visits followed by long walks through Central Park. Magnus still dotes on him, still treats him like something worth cherishing, as if it were Magnus who was the lucky one and not Alec. And Alec still thinks it's too much, that he doesn't deserve it. 

But he's starting to think that maybe, one day, he could. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think! I live off of reviews and tears.


End file.
